“It’s no biggie,” she said. “You know I wanted to see what Ron’s like anyway.”
“I know. But it would be different if you didn’t know about it. Like, if we were doing it behind your back, but you’re gonna be sitting in the next room.”
“Don’t worry about it. Kevin’s gonna be right in the next room while I’m with Ron and I don’t care. It’s just a game.”
We went back in the living room and waited for Steve and Paula to come out. No one talked much while we waited.
When they finally did emerge from the bedroom Paula looked embarrassed and sat down on the couch without saying a word. Steve, on the other hand, looked like his face would crack if he smiled any harder.
“Whatsa matter, Paula?” Ron laughed.
“Nothing,” Paula said, blushing.
“Give her a break,” Steve said. “She’s speechless.”
“Yeah,” Kevin said. “She can’t believe how lousy it was.”
“Fuck you,” Steve said, good-naturedly.
Ron punched Kevin in the shoulder. “Couple number two,” he said. “We’re waiting.”
Kevin looked at me and stood up, he started walking toward the bedroom and I followed. Once inside he shut the door, but I could still hear the whistles and hoot from the living room.
I wass still holding my drink and I sat on the edge of the bed sipping it and wishing I was anywhere but where I was. Kevin turned on the TV and the sound of it helped to drown out some of the comments that were still filtering in from outside. I noticed that most of them were coming from Steve.
After flipping the channels around for a moment Kevin turned the lights off and sat down next to me. We stared at the TV for a minute and Kevin mumbled something about not wanting to disappoint me, and he kissed me.
Then he was on top of me, and all I wanted to do was kill him. If he didn’t want to disappoint me he could have taken me home so I could forget all about this. Who the hell did he think he was.
He had one hand under my blouse unhooking my bra and with the other hand he was unbuttoning my jeans. I don’t think I ever hated anyone as much as I hated Kevin, except maybe myself for just laying there and letting it happen. I wanted to push him off me, I wanted to bring my knee up into his balls as hard as I could, I wanted to hurt him any way I could.
Instead, I had my arms around him ans was kissing him right back while he pumped his hard-on against my hip.
Soon he had his pants unzipped and I was jerking him of while he sweated and wriggled all over me. I felt like it wasn’t even me who was in that bed. I was somewhere else and only my body was there.
I remembered that some women who had been raped survived emotionally only by removing themselves from the situation. I tried to do that, I reminded myself that it was only a game and that it didn’t matter; it didn’t matter that I was feeling disgusting and humiliated, it didn’t matter that it felt like rape, because it was only a game.
When I felt Kevin trying to get my jeans off I sat up and told him to stop.
“Why?” he asked.
“Cause I don’t want to get pregnant,” I told him.
He sat up next to me. “Shit,” he said. “That’s cold. Get me all worked up and then back out.”
He flopped back onto the bed and sighed loudly. “It’s part of the game,” he whined.
“Damn,” I thought. “He’s gonna tell everyone I screwed him anyway. He’s pissed now, but he’ll walk out of this room all smiles just like Steve.”
I picked up my drink from the floor and took a sip, Kevin sighed again.
You better enjoy this you bastard, ’cause you’ll never get it from Lisa.
Now I was raping him. I was in control. As I went down on him, I seriously considered biting down just to hear him scream. His hands twisted in my hair and I let my teeth scrape against hi prick just enough to make him wince.
I planned on stopping just before he came, but he was quicker than I expected and before I knew what was happening, he shove his prick halfway down my throat and shot in my mouth.
He was still laying on the bed panting when I got up and went into the bathroom. I ran a brush through my hair and looked in the mirror. I looked like hell. I deserved to look like hell. What a slut I was.
Kevin had his pants zipped up and was drinking my rum and coke when I came out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he said.
I smiled. “Fuck you,” I thought, and went into the living room.
The next day my mother came into my room and pulled up the shade.
“Are you going to stay in bed all day?” she asked. “It’s after twelve.”
“I might,” I said.
“What’s the matter? Are you hung over?”
“No, I didn’t hardly even drink last night.”
“Why do you drink at all?”
“Because I get thirsty.”
“Don’t be a smart-ass,” she said. “You know what I mean.”
I rolled over. I didn’t even want to look at her, it was like she would know what was going on if I did.
“I asked you a question.”
“I don’t know why I drink.”
“You can have a good time without drinking, you know.”
I wished she would leave me alone. If she is so hung up on drinking, she’d probably have a nervous breakdown if she knew about the coke.
She sat down on the edge of my bed, and I waited for the night-after lecture.
“Honey, I know it’s hard not to do something when everyone else is doing it. I’m so afraid something is going to happen to you.”
“Nothing is going to happen.”
“You say that now, but you can’t tell. Paula runs with a fast crown. It’s drinking now, but if you keep hanging around with them, I’m afraid you might get involved with drugs.”
Congratulations, Ma! You’ve just predicted the past!
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Sure I do. You’re my daughter ans I’ll always worry about you. Sometimes I wish you were a little girl again so I could always be there to protect you.”
I wished I was a little girl again too, so she could tell me that I wasn’t allowed to play with Paula anymore. I wanted to tell her everything. I felt so terrible about what had been going on, especially the night before. I was a slut. I didn’t even know Kevin. I wasn’t me anymore.
“I guess I’ll get up now.”
“Hey Alex ..”
“You know I love you.”
I know. I love you, too.”
I went into the bathroom, got in the shower and cried until it hurt.