Christmas was yesterday. I got some clothes and a jewelry box and a expensive gold necklace with my name on it. I’m 14 years old now. God, CL just turned 13 in Oct or Nov. I don’t like being older than most of my friends ’cause I’m older than all the guys. I got two Steve Martin records. I dig on him.
I think I’ll kinda setle down and act my age now, but I’ll still be a wild and crazy gal. Like, I’m older then SO and SP. I feel like it on the inside, but I know that out in the open I don’t seem like it. See, I wrote SO this note in math and asked her how she wanted me to finish the book (I did finish it, 106 pages!) She said that she didn’t care and that she wanted to blow her life away because she thought everyone hated her and she felt like an outcast. Weird, that’s how I used to fell.
Anyway, I told her not to think like that ’cause when you’re depressed you might (that what she told me and I reminded her). I also said that I looked up to her like a “sister that I never had and always wanted” because she always knows whats going on and she gets along real good with the guys and she’s real popular.
Now I feel dumb ’cause I told her. And I feel kinda like a lez when I’m talking with her. I guess it’s ’cause I do admire her and look up to her. I think of her as a really close friend.
I used to think of CD as better than me, now I think of her as a stuck up bitch.
But I’m being more confident and I feel good about myself, but I still feel nice when I’m with my friends. I think if I had to go to school and my friends weren’t there, school would be SCREWED! I like having a lot of friends. But it’s weird, like AS, everyone hates her ’cause she’s totally weird. But we’re all nice to her ’cause she’s so nice. So I wonder if people hate me but are nice to me ”cause I’ll write books about ’em or ’cause they don’t wanna hurt my feelings like AS.
I don’t care if people talk about me as long as they say true things. But I don’t like them to spread rumors about me. I’d also like to know what they say. Like if someone tells me that they know what someone said about me and it’s gonna gonna make me real mad, I usually laugh about it. But then I say to myself, “Shit, what a pig to say that.”
I never say nothing to the person who said it about me though. But … if I get in a fight with that person ’cause I said somethin about ’em I can always say, “Well, what about when you said so and so about me!?”
I don’t like getting in fights with people I guess I’m afraid of losing a friend. I wouldn’t care if CD hates me but since we both hang out with the cheerleaders and she is one I’d be the one excluded from the group.
I guess you could say I’m really insecure, but I like to think of it as valueing my friendships. I’m totally outgoing on the outside but really shy and I hope I didn’t get someone mad and stuff on the inside.
Sometimes it kinda bugs me to think I depend on people to be happy, but that’s what friends are for, aren’t they?
I’m really scared to call SO on the phone. I guess I feel insignificant. But that’s me and what can you do about it? I’m afraid she’ll think I’m strange. See, here I go with the not wanting people to hate me thing again.
I love people to think I’m outta my mind, I love sympathy too. To get both I’ll write SP a note in math and tell her I’m really gonna cut my wrists and then she’ll call me and I’ll let her talk me out of it. I wouldn’t do it anyway, but then I can tell her my problems. So then I feel better when she says nice things about me.
On the days I’m really depressed, I’ll be SO’s pyschiotryst and she tells me her problems and vice-versa. I wish I could cry at school and let my feelings out, but I can’t.
That’s all for today!
PS – I went to Magic Mountain and went on Colasus Wednesday and today a chick fell out and got killed. She only fell 10 feet but she landed on her head.