The Little Red Hen

TE_LRH_05

(1979)

One bright, sunny morning in Colombia, The Little Red Hen was scratching for seed in the dirt outside her front door. By and by she came across some marijuana seeds.

“Far out!” exclaimed The Little Red Hen.

She gathered the seeds and ran over to tell her friends, Pig, Cat and Duck.

“Lookit,” she said, holding out the seeds. “I found ’em in the dirt.”

“Wow!” said Pig.

“Super!” said Cat.

“All right!” said Duck.

“Ya wanna help me plant ’em?” asked The Little Red Hen.

“No way,” said Pig.

“Yer crazy,” said Cat.

“Get outta here,” said Duck.

So The Little Red Hen planted the seeds herself.

The sun rose high and it became very hot, so The Little Red Hen knew that she must get water for the plants, but it was a long, lonely walk to the stream. She decided that the walk would be easier if she had someone to accompany her on the way.

“Hey,” she called to her friends who were resting in the cool shade of a tree, sipping Pina Coladas. “Does anyone wanna go to the stream with me to get some water?”

“It’s too hot,” said Pig.

“You gotta be kidding,” said Cat.

Duck, who could not hold her liquor very well, said nothing as she had passed out some time ago.

So The Little Red Hen went alone.

With plenty of sunshine, fresh air and water, the plants had grown big and beautiful. Soon the time came to harvest the crop, and it was also time for The Little Red Hen to see if she could get her lazy friends to help her.

She found them lounging in their Jacuzzi. She asked them, “Does anyone wanna help me pick my marijuana? It’s just about ready and I …”

“Oh no, I forgot. I have to feed my iguana,” said Pig, as he got out of the Jacuzzi and left.

“I think I’ll help him,” said Cat. “Iguanas are the cutest things.” And he left, too.

“They’re so funny,” said Duck. “They just quack me up.” She got up and left along with the other two.

The Little Red Hen went back to her house and and picked all the best leaves and flower tops off the marijuana plants. After she was done The Little Red Hen was hot and tired, so she walked over to Pig, Cat and Duck’s apartment to see if they wanted to help her lay the harvest out to dry,

The Little Red Hen was about to knock when she noticed the quarantine sign on the door. It read “Very contagious disease, especially harmful to Little Red Hens.”

“Oh, how sad,” said The Little Red Hen. “I’ll have to send them a get well card.”

After the marijuana had dried, she was out in her front yard rolling joints when she saw Pig, Cat and Duck walk by.

“Anyone wanna help me roll some …” she began.

“No!” Pig, Cat and Duck answered in unison.

“Well, does anyone wanna run over to Licorice Pizza and get me a bong?” she asked.

“No!” they said, a bit more harshly.

When she was done she called to her friends once again.

“Hey, do any of you wanna get fried and help me smoke these joints?”

“You bet!” said Pig.

“Oh yeah!” said Cat.

“All the way!” said Duck.

“You can all go suck eggs!” said The Little Red Hen. “If you think yer gonna cop a buzz off these babies, yer gonna pay for ’em!”

“Pay for them?” said Pig.

“Bummer,” sad Cat.

“Oh, all right,” said Duck.

After Pig, Cat and Duck had given The Little Red Hen their money, she was very happy. It had been hard work, but now she had some money. She could move to the city and sell her stuff there or she could just plant more in the village and sell it to the people here.

She was planning on what to do with all the money she would make when Pig took out a badge.

“I’m with the police,” said Pig.

“You’re a narc?” said Cat.

“I wanna see my lawyer,” said Duck.

So The Little Red Hen went to prison for seven to ten years for possession, drug dealing and growing marijuana without permission from the Colombian government. Cat and Duck got three to five years for possession. And Pig lived happily ever after because he kept everything he bought from The Little Red Hen and he also took over all of her marijuana plants which grew and prospered into a big farm.

Moral: Don’t sell pot to Pigs unless you want to end up in the pen with him plowing your plants.

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